Last night at Seven24, Brian spoke about fear. Mark 11:27-12:12 was the main passage. I knew a week ago that he was going to be speaking about it, and didn’t really think anything of it. Great for those who are really wrestling with fear, it should be a really good night for them.
Except I found out that “them” was actually “me.” It’s funny how that happens.
Let me take you through my experience last night.
Fear can cause us to do nothing or to do stupid things. Misplaced fear can control us and be devastating.
Proverbs 1:7 says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, so when we fear God, it causes us to respect and worship Him, and we become more in tune with how the things we do ultimately affect the role of God in our lives and our ability to worship Him.
Fear can distort our perception of reality and cause us to close our minds.
In the Mark passage, the Jews and pharisees reject Jesus, and a huge factor that plays into that is fear. Fear can cause us to close our minds and do stupid things.
Romans 8:15 says that we, as children of God, have not received a “spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,” but we have received the “Spirit of adoption as sons and daughters, by whom we cry Abba! Father!“
What we fear, we ultimately worship. What do I fear? What do I ultimately worship?
Gulp.
Here is what I wrote during our response time: I am afraid of making the wrong decision about my future. Maybe if it was just me, I might be less afraid. But I am responsible for Brian too. And if I make the wrong decision, then it screws it up for both of us. My fear has prevented me from pursuing my education further because I don’t want to waste time or money on the wrong thing. But the reality is, I am wasting time by not doing anything. How will I ever know if it’s “right” or “wrong” if I never take any steps forward? Then I will live in regret and “what if I had only?…” God, I don’t want to live like that. I want to be confident in Your plans for me and then passionately pursue them in obedience to You. Lord, I pray your blessings on my “baby steps.” You are faithful.
Here’s something you might not know about me. I hate to make mistakes. Yes, I am a perfectionist, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t like to get things wrong. It can be paralyzing. Decisions that are made from my own human mind are very difficult for me. I really don’t like to get things wrong. (This is why I will NEVER be an interior decorator. I would go crazy just staring at the walls with a million ideas and an inability to act on them.)
But here’s the cool part. I’ve found that, when it comes to making decisions out of obedience to God, it’s a vastly, indescribably, ridiculously peaceful thing. It is impossible for fear to creep in - fear of doing the wrong thing - when I am living in obedience to God. Isaiah 41:8-10 depicts God talking to the nation of Israel, His “servant,” His “chosen,” His “friend,” to “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
So of what, exactly, have I been living in fear?
Making the decision to pursue a master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. All of my logic tells me that, even though it interests me, it would be a big mistake. Going into $100,000 of debt for a two-year program. Possibly going to USC (seriously, I really don’t want to convert to being a Trojan). Working ridiculously hard at keeping up, because even though it fascinates me and I’m a really good student, it takes me a little longer to learn science and math concepts than the average A student. Starting a family soon after getting my master’s, thus rendering it less useful than if I would have made this decision two years ago. Likely having to relocate to a new state. All of my human logic goes against saying “yes” to this path.
But then Proverbs 3:5-6 (my favorite verse of all time, ever since I was a kid) tells me to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”
So what has God been doing in all of this? He has been prodding at me over and over that this is the path that I should take. Over the past year or so, the Holy Spirit has repeatedly impressed upon my heart that, yes, I need to pursue pediatric Occupational Therapy. This is how I will make you more like my Son. I will use you to bring hope to my children and their families who are struggling with how their child will ever function normally, in a way that uses the gifts I have given you. And yet I have dismissed it as the ebbs and flows of my own passion. God has spoken to me through people who had no idea the struggle to make a decision that I am going through, from parents saying things like, Christie is the closest thing to an O.T. that we have in our child’s life right now, to an O.T. that I deeply admire and respect telling me in an email, Please…….seriously…….go to OT school!!!!!!!!! You would be such an asset to our profession!…Seriously, go to OT school!!!!!!!!! God has also spoken to me through godly teaching, like last night’s, and through His words in Scripture to address my fear and to show me that He has PROMISED that He will guide me and that He wants to use me to bring hope to the hopeless, just like Jesus did.
And yet I have been too afraid to listen and obey, because I have been leaning on my own understanding.
Enough is enough. It’s time to obey. Sure, my fear will still creep in and tell me that it doesn’t make sense and what if I choose the wrong path. That’s the enemy. I will not be paralyzed by fear anymore.
I will be taking classes at MiraCosta Community College starting in the fall to work on completing my 3 or so prerequisite classes in order to apply to OT school. Whether or not God ultimately wants me to be an OT is irrelevant. Right now, He wants my obedience.
So what am I going to do in the meantime? Hang up all my Europe photos and artwork that I have put off for eight months because I have been too afraid that I will do it wrong.
It’s time to start fighting off fear.